Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
