So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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