About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
