youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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