Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
