loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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