My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I deserve this hangover.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
