The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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