Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
