Did you just see the Batmobile???
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
