We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You've changed since you got that strap on
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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