she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
