A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
