Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
