my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
