3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
