It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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