Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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