part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
