I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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