home. puking in laundry basket.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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