his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
