so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
