whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
