Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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