If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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