She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
