He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
