took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
