I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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