The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
