So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
