ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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