that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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