I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
