Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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