He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
