Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
