The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
