Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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