I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
