The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
