It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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