Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
