Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
