1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
