September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
