R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the condom got lost in my hair
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
