just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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