Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
